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'my thoughts.1.1'

COMPLETED: 16 Jan 2012/11:45pm

(07 Jan 2012 - 16 Jan 2012)

*a place to say what's on my mind,

and in my heart...

07 Jan 2012/2pm

well, well, well...

good day to you all.

I see that I had a few responses from my entry of last.

yes, I was fairly intoxicated at the time.

yes, I was a little more 'open' with my 'sharing'

than I should've been.

yes, I did 'not' enhance anything I said.

and yes, I seriously believe in the occult and 'know' there is 'something' among us in this house.

Ash has nicknamed our guest

'Casper the friendly ghost',

(truth be told, I believe 'we' are the guests)

hopefully, he/she stays that way for as long as we are here. you know what I find amusing;

is that the previous owner 'never mentioned' this full time residence to me while I was looking to purchase this place. but, when I wrote an email to them last june asking them if they had ever observed/heard any strange occurances,

they were up front with me about this.

I'm still looking into some of the background information that they shared with me.

so, I will be 'mum' on this subject until I know

a little bit more.

actually, this is 'not' the first place I've lived that has a 'unknown' visitor:

while growing-up and living in anacortes, washington

with my dad in the early 70's,

we had this huge white 3 story house on 6th street.

it was just me and dad

(and whatever girl he was dating at the time)

I was 8yrs and he was 25yrs.

and on more than a few occasions we would hear noises coming from the 3rd floor that could never be explained.

dad always kept the door to the 3rd floor stairwell locked, and would never tell me why.

(even now, I still have no idea what the reason was)

I had just thought someone 'else' lived upstairs.

but what really chilled my spine, was the day befores my dads funeral in march '96 when alot of his 'old buddies' came down to oregon and shared stories with me

about that house.

doors slamming, screams, lights going off/on,

constant noises from the 3rd floor, and the sounds of the stairs squeaking as if something was coming downstairs

to the 1st floor.

and the distinctive smell of sulfer at all times.

(which I do remember)

and I can still recall the many strange dreams that I had in that house, one for example;

one night as I felt myself falling asleep, 'something' came up to me 'again', shook me awake and wanted to take

me to the 3rd floor to play.

I knew it was a dream (I think), and was scared of this 'something' always wanting to 'play with me'.

I actally woke-up one morning and I was sleeping on the hallway floor up against the locked stairwell door.

strange eh?

another house I lived in that was definately 'haunted' was the one I had moved into with my now ex-wife in

las vegas, nv in the mid-nineties.

her previous husband had died a few months before we met from an aortic aneurysm at the age of 34.

but before he died, they had begun construction

of that particular house.

so after I moved in with her,

things began to happen.

sounds of someone walking on the 2nd floor,

and once in the middle of the night it sounded as if something crashed thru a window downstairs.

both times, nothing was ever seen as to the cause.

but what happened to me one afternoon while I was alone, really convinced me that the 'something' there

didn't like me.

it was a thursday at approx 2p and I was still sleeping

(I worked the late swing shift at the nyny casino)

and my cell phone ringing had awaken me.

the sound of it ringing was coming from downstairs,

which was wierd cause I knew it had been on my

nightstand before I had gone to sleep.

anyway, as I got up and proceeded to go downstairs to get the phone, 'something' pushed me from behind causing me to fall 'hard' down the stairs, which led me to having my left shoulder seperate and be detached.

crazy thing was,

I know I felt a shove from behind,

along with what I will describe as a warm 'breathe'

on the back of my neck.

it still brings chills to me describing that incident.

also, there was an important party at my ex's work that night that I was suppose to meet her office staff's

family members for the first time.

needless to say, I didn't go.

we sold that house within the year,

and moved into one 'we' built.

so, maybe I attract the 'occult', who knows.

I could get even deeper with some other things that have happened to me, but don't want to lose ALL my readers at once for fear your reading a psycho's scribbs.

ok guys, I gotta go pick-up my daughter,

and go grocery shopping for tonights tailgater at

the honda center in anaheim.

ucla plays arizona state at 8pm, basketball.

will try to check-in later and bore you some more.

*hey, I warned you guys a year ago that I was a little bit different, you just have absolutely no idea...

you really don't!


good afternoon.

we're getting ready to head out with the rig down south to the honda center in anaheim for the ucla basketball game against the arizona state sun devils.

Jessica staying here at the house to watch the kidz,

that should be interesting.

she dislikes cats and is deathly afraid of horses.

funny thing tho; when she sits in my lounger in the den, dusty (my grey cat) always jumps on her lap to

get some love scratches.

so Ash, her mom, and I are taking the rig and meeting whom-ever from the palacios fam shows up.

I only have 10 tickets, but there shouldn't be a problem if more hispanics show up as the bruins can't seem to sell-out a fukin movie theatre this year.

ya, maybe if they 'won' a few more games.

anyhow, we will be staying 'parked' in the anaheim area tonite (somewhere), and then go to disneyland tomorrow to celebrate one of the mexi-godfather's

granddaughters birthday. no church for us.

ok. it's almost time to leave. I'll check-in later.


we just settled-in to this over-nighter rv park.

pretty quiet here, so it will suffice.

the ucla basketball game tonight was the best I have

been to yet... this year.

and the honda center was at least at 50% full, and very loud. only 5 of the palacios' showed,

so I ended up giving away two of the tickets.

the mexi-godmother brought enough

mexican food to feed an army, which means... left-overs. Ash, her mom and I are planning on being at the gate when disneyland opens at 8am, and the mexi-godfather and his crew will meet us there by 2pm.

I have absolutely no idea what to give a 12yr old girl

for her birthday.

I had thought a $50. visa gift card,

but Ash said that would suck.

who doesn't like to get money on their birthday?

apparently my daughter, that's who.

I will have to remember that.

*Ash 16th birthday is in 29 days.

well, I'm tired, so I'm going to crash. talk tomorrow.

08 Jan 2012/2pm

good afternoon everyone.

I'm sitting in the rig right now in the oversize parking area

of disneyland.

it's been a fun-filled morning, except for the fact I tweaked my lower back on the matterhorn sleds a couple of hours ago.

hopefully it's not a serious issue, but it does hurt

quite abit right now.

the palacios fam have begun to arrive, and I made Ash

in-charge of where to have everyone meet.

beautiful day here today, a light breeze but very nice.

the park doesn't close until 11p tonite,

but I'm sure we'll be home by then. school night.

we had lunch at the blue bayou again, I love that place.

I had the crab cakes, not too shabby.

had a mango slaw atop the entree, very well prepaired.

the girls split a monte cristo sandwich and a salad of greens. I'm not sure what the mexi-godfather has planned for his granddaughters birthday tonite;

something different, I would immagine.

alrighty then, I have a couple things I need to do before getting my ass back out there.

hopefully you all are having a fantastic sunday.


good evening everyone.

the afternoon at the mouse park was fun,

the palacios are some crazy fukin mexicans tho.

(hey, they're my friends, I'll call them mexicans)

I 'think' like 30 of the family members showed up,

but not all of them had money to get into the park.

why would you go to disneyland with absolutely

no money in your pocket?

any how, after the slight confussion of trying to determine who goes in the park, and who doesn't

(it's the same free-loaders each time... btw)

we had a pretty good time.

someone had bright pink shirts printed up:

on the front was a picture of Leticia,


"today is Leticia's 12th birthday"

underneath her pic.

and yes, I did wear the shirt. I actually like brightly colored polo shirts. this was very 'bright' pink though.

we all just followed the small group of friends that the birthday girl had brought along for the majority

of the afternoon. my back continued to bother me,

so I didn't ride anymore attractions.

we stayed until about 6p, and then came back home.

I know we were only gone about 24hrs from the house,

but I so missed my dogs.

and the way they acted when we came thru the door,

it was as if we had been gone a week.

so after talking with Jess for abit, I took my dogs for a walk around the nieghborhood, took a shower,

ate a sandwich and boom; that was my day.

It's almost 10p and I'm the only one still up.

truth be told, I think Ash was in bed within 30min of being home, and Ashley is staying in the rig tonite.

(we had a 'slight' disagreement today... so whatever)

anyway, if my back is still hurting tomorrow I guess I should go see a doctor. never had any problems with my back before, hopefully just a muscle spasm.

ok. bed time for me.   

09 Jan 2012/10:15pm

good evening everybody.

just said goodbye to my last party guest.

yes, we had quite a gathering of people here tonite,

and this time it was just a 'happening'.

meaning, it just happened.

all grandpa jack's drinking buddies showed-up from

around the neighborhood.

I guess some of them had forgotten that he was not going to be here for a while after the 1st of the year.

so how was your day?

mine started out with my early chores,

and then shuttling the girls to school.

I then stopped at the dr's office who suggested my back

was strained but if the pain pursists,

I should get an mri to make sure.

oh, and maybe I should pay a visit to a chiro... no thanks. after the seeing of my 'witch-doctor',

I came home did the laundry, and a few more domestic chores that I won't bore you with the details.

ya ladies, I do it it all: laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, poop-scoop, fall off horses, get speeding tickets,

and even shave every once in awhile.

I know, I know, I'm a real babe magnet.

later this afternoon I checked-in on my email accounts and enjoyed one in particular:

I received an email from a young lady today that informed me of her holiday travels, and what she has planned for

her for-see-able future; which I was stoked to read about.

and then she also mentioned some info about one of her best friends who had a broken leg which has apparently

healed properly (I had inquired about her).

but, what surprised me to learn about her friend is that she is a participant in womens roller derby.


when I read that, my heart about stopped.

that is about the coolest 'moutha-fukin' thing

I have ever heard of!!! is this real?, seriously?

I plan on goggling this, as I had no idea that roller derby,

let alone a womens team/league, still exsisted.

I find this 'extremely sexy', and I have no idea why.

well, maybe I do;

I've 'never' EVER told anyone this before.

back when I was 9 or 10yrs old,

(early 70's, ya I know I'm getting old... stfu!!!)

I was living with my mom in albuquerque, nm and I would watch womens roller derby on the weekends on our 12" b/w tv while my mom was waiting tables.

I can't remember this woman's team, but OH MY GAWD,

I was smitten with her. her name was jennie c;

she was brunette, she had the most beautiful face, long legs (on skates, everyone has long legs),

huge chest

(or alot of padding),

and she would always kick the shit outa the others.

ya, jennie c was my very first crush.

I think her team was the scorpions, I can't remember.

I may have to look in my old journals.

wow. can't believe I'm thinking of womens roller derby. ugh. if jennie c was here right now,

I'd be gettin' busy with a 70yr old.

ha ha ha, not sure if that sounds 'politically correct'...

whew. I can remember how excited I would be watching that little tv and learn it was her team who would be

flying around the rink that day! my god!!!

ok, that's enough of that all ready.

moving right along;

I was invited by one of my prior business associates to attend the consumer electronics show (ces) this week in las vegas, nv. now the vip passes he has are hard to get,

so I readily accepted.

will be enroute to vegas 'again' tomorrow midday to try and slip in-between the traffic here and there.

Ash will have '2' women (her mother, and Jessica)

in-charge of her for a couple of days.

probably be there for only 2-3 days. I love ces, great stuff. and here is a little secret; if you're there the last day, chances are you can purchase some of the cool electronic gizmo's for next to nothing. the reps would rather sell their gear and get/keep the cash, then pack all the shit back up again. little insider knowledge for you guys.

ok, I'm exhasted so I'm calling it a day.

I'll try to check-in before I depart to vegas. night guys.

oh, goodnite jennie c, wherever you are...

10 Jan 2012/9pm

I'm still not used to typing '2012'...

good evening everyone.

I arrived in Sin City a couple hours ago, just as the evening rush was starting fade.

I met my former business associate along with a couple of his buddies at the mirage casino for a ces happy hour function. after I valet my car and proceeded to walk in the casino

past the sports book;

and I couldn't help but hear the sounds of a football

game being broadcast.

so, I decided to go into the book and see who was playing; they were showing the sf49ers/dallas game

from 10 jan 1982.

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of 'the catch'. so, I watched it until 'the catch' took place. and you wouldn't believe it; everyone cheered/clapped as if it was a 'live' game.

very, very cool.

so after reliving the moment that forever changed san francisco 49er history, I met my party, had a couple drinks and had a fairly good time.

I say fairly good because I tired quickly from the

'poor-taste-comments' being said from the dick-head friends of my associate. even he looked embarrassed by the immature actions of these guys.

I guess I just 'don't get it';

why 'almost everyone' who comes to vegas acts a fool?

once you live here for any amount of time,

the vegas-foolish-fun-factor just is no longer there.

I guess I've just forgotten what it was like when I first started coming to town over 25yrs ago. I am currently in a hotel room 'off the strip' (a locals casino) as I didn't want to stay at my house, ie: neighbors, kids, stalkers, etc... not being an ass or anything, I just rather not be bothered.

*if you guys are reading this, don't be upset with me,

I just rather be closer to the action.

so with that being said, I'm going to get ready and go meet up with 'a friend' as she has just gotten off work.

I'll give you guys a shout-out in the morning before I go get my geek-on, I love ces!!!

good nite everyone. sweet dreams to YOU!  

11 Jan 2012/9:30pm

good evening everyone.

I had an excellent time last night with a friend

I have known for over 10yrs.

after she got off work

(here at the casino/hotel I'm staying at) we sat at one of the bars downstairs and drank, and drank.

and as you know when you drink, you lose all control of reality (some more than others) and sometimes do some 'crazy' things. and last night was no different.

as we were sitting at one of the casino bars doing shots of jack and chasing w/multiple beers, you could hear the salsa music coming out of their dance club.

(not quite as fancy as pure in caesars palace)

so what did we do?, we went dancing.

well she danced, I shuffled... kinda. I was so fukin' drunk. but we had a great time.

I can remember back when I was a 'little' younger,

and you go out with a hottie;

you drink, you dance, you bump, you grind, you throw her on the bed and make her bark at the moon.

but now; you drink, you dance, you try not to fall down, you go to the bathroom 100 times, you have her walk you to your hotel room, and she tucks you in bed... seriously.

that's some crazy shit.

oh, I saw something today at ces that was 'far-out'.

an advertisement for a completely transparent phone.

it was being streamed in the display areas, I couldn't find it at the function but I did find it on the net.

go look on my January.2012 page, it's wild looking.

I also saw a couple other things today;

a 96" (8ft) wide 2" thick HD tv.

a ipad demo w/cell, cam, and able to get EVERY tv station within 500 miles.

a mini-cell that fits in your ear and is total voice activated. cat/dog collars that are gps directly to your cell/comp and have a streaming vid/camera attached.

the smart tv's are everywhere, minus the 3D

(I'm not that big of a 3D fan).

there is even a skateboard area, but I didn't check it out.

and of course there was plenty of video games, consoles and new brands trying to break-in.

so damn crowded, and sometimes people are just so rude. after the show, my 'friend' and I had happy hour at a little hole-in-the-wall bar, and then I came back here to my room and had lazy mans 'surf & turf' from room service.

ie: 2 cube steaks w/mash-n-gravy, popcorn shrimp,

and veggie mix. I talked with the house tonite;

Ash is doing well, her mom is being 'her mom', and Jessica is taking care of my daily chores.

I was planning on going back sometime friday, but will most likely wait until saturday morning to drive home.

huge game sat-nite; ucla-usc basketball,

I'm thinking of not going tho. I'm tired of crowds right now.

alright, I better be going now... tired.

oh wait a minute, I saw this today;

'dammit I'm mad'

backwards is,

'dammit I'm mad'

ya, I know... small things amuse small minds.

what can I say... 

12 Jan 2012/noon

good afternoon all. I was up and down to the sands convention center before 7am this morning. it's crazy being down there at the venetian again after all this time.

I'm sure some of you remember (as I've said this before)

that I was one of the casino security officers who was working for the venetian hotel/casino when the 'new' casino opened it's doors back in may '99.

so as I walked thru the casino as it is now, I was recalling what it had looked like way back then;

the carpet/padding was rolled into huge bundles waiting to be laid on the plain cement floors,

all the casino tables (blackjack, craps, roulette)

were still wrapped in plastic,

and the slot machines were all being programmed for the percentage their were to be 'pay-back'.

on the slots were hand written notes as to the % of what they had been labled. maybe I should have 'paid' (pun) more attention to what the values were,

ie: 77% -104.5%. coulda, woulda, shoulda.

also, if you have ever been in the venetian casino, there are murals everywhere, and those are actually painted on cloth paper, and pressed on the walls/ceilings and 'not' painted in place as they have led people to believe. jusy saying.

but as I was saying, everything is just so different now.

alot of new additions since I've been gone,

and the assortment/caliber of employees

has drastically changed. when I was there, every employee was so young, good looking, cheerful, and willing to assist. now; NOT!!!

I even stopped at the security info booth (my old job) as I was walking thru the casino just to ask a simple question to observe the response I received; wow. arrogant, over-bearing, and totally unprofessional with his response.

I understand the question I asked was semi-stupid;

'wheres the palazzio ballroom' but he was just such an ass with his reply. and instead of making an issue of it right there, as I normally would; I decided to include the situation here in this forum as I know that certain people who still work at the casino read my dailies. *hey, the boy was a dick-fuck!!! anyway, I decided to come back here to my unfancy hotel, grab some lunch and just relax for abit and enjoy

some peace and quiet.

ok, I'm going to go downstairs to the buffet for lunch and 'maybe' put a dollar or two into a slot machine,

before I head back down to 'the strip'.

talk to you guys later.


good morning,

and happy friday the 13th everyone.

yesterday was just another normal day in vegas;

traffic jam on 'the strip' (vegas blvd.) at 7am,

drunks falling down escalators before noon,

porn stars, hookers, and escorts everywhere,

(I think some of these girls are here a little early for the avn 'porn' awards that will be here in vegas next week.)

I did indeed enjoy the convention again today,

but was more focused on the primary reason I decided to come; electronic security and surveillance apparatuses.

and let me just say that the personal security

business is booming.

I was interested in the i-spy shit,

but more into the future of the electronic recognition programs currently being developed.

and today was the first time I actually got to have a 'sit down' with the asians I have been waiting to meet up with.

I decided to come back to the hotel for a break/lunch,

and then went back down to ces for

about 5hrs before calling it a day.

I again ate in my room,

and then feel asleep rather early while reading literature and operating proceedures/manuels of some of the new hardware/software coming out.

the great thing about waking up at 4am in vegas;

you can go downstairs into the casino get a fresh coffee, watch espn and play a video poker machine

at the same time.

tomorrow promises to be an excellent day.

officially the ces is ending, but there will be plenty going on in the convention center 'after' the show.

I'll be looking into acquiring some crazy deals also.

the reps and booth managers appear to be a little 'tighter' this year, so we'll see.

as far as the rest of my day will go today, I will be going

out with my friend after she gets off work tonite.

who knows, maybe we'll get married... ha ha

ok then, I best get going, talk to ya guys later... 


I'm on no sleep, NO SLEEP!!!

I was planning on taking a nap and then leave about noon, but I'm not tired, so I'll be on the road within the hour.

if I get tired,I'll pull over and take a siesta.

ok then, let me pack up my gear and blow this joint.

oh, last night was : s*p*e*c*t*a*c*u*l*a*r!!!


good afternoon everyone.

I thought I would get an update out,

before I venture onward to the ucla basketball game

this evening.

so; the sf49ers won a playoff game with a.j.smith at quarterback; unbelievable.

now I am pulling for the nygiants to win so I can go up north and watch the nfc championship in person. (currently: ny20 gb10 half)

my trip to vegas wasn't exactly what I had in mind

it was going to be;

but sometimes you have to adapt to your surroundings and make the best of a awkward situation, as I did.

I bought a couple electronic gadgets at the

closure of the convention;

a 40" monitor, an entire security camera set-up system w/it's own dedicated tablet for viewing/recording,

some old worthless manuals (not to me tho), and a variety of cell phone batteries & chargers. nothing too exciting. after acquiring these last minute deals, I met up with my little cocktail server/bartender 'friend' after she got off of work and we proceeded to 'tear-up' vegas like we were a couple of 20-somethings without a care in the world.

as I'm sure you had read in my last entry,

I did not sleep a wink friday nite.

and then after we had breakfast I decided to just

come straight home.

everything was going well, except when I got a 'speeding ticket' from the chp near 134/2 interchange in glendale, ca. he said he clocked me at 80mph, 15 over.

good damn thing I slowed down, eh?

anyway; after I had a nice little chat w/officer COP,

I got home at about 1pm,

just in time to catch the sf49er game.

and apparently my neighbors,

the mexi-godfather and a few others just took for granted I would be having a football party. so here they came.

OR perhaps, they were told (by me),

that I was going to be having one. shit, I can't remember.

seriously! all in all, we had a fabulous time,

and nobody got hurt.

just the bronco fans during the 2nd game.

*maybe now the fukin press will be talking about

something besides 'tebow-time.'

I like the guy, but jeesh, give me a break.

alright, not that I revealed 'everything' since my last update, but you get the 'just' of what's going on...

so it's nearing 3:30p,

and my group is all ready 'to hit it', and with that being said; we will now be on our way to ucla basketball.

(I only have 8 tix, I hope not too many 'others' show)

*I'm taping the golden globes for later viewing...


good 'early' afternoon.

so, today is martin luther king jr. day?

a recognized 'national holiday'.

so be it.

I really do try to keep my personal opinions,

and/or 'strong' beliefs out of this forum.

I had a section in this site 'dedicated' for such entries;

but have since removed it for reasons I would

rather not reveal.

so let me just say this;

we 'honor' this man today because of his strong actions/beliefs during the civil rights movement

of the radical 1960's,

and his leadership to successfully protest against racial descrimination in state/federal law.

this man was an excellent public speaker, a man of moral values, and possibly 'before his time'.

but I personally think that racisim is still a

very, very ugly issue.

and the blame goes entirely 'both' ways.

the hatred coming from the mouths of the young who are raised by ignorant parents is quite shocking.

and depending on where you are in the United States;

'all' races are to blame for the racial slurs that they freely sling at one another.

I have a strong opinion on this matter concerning the race and gender who is the ugliest of all,

but will keep 'it' to myself rather to stir-up some bullshit commotion caused by my first-hand accounts,

and over-all experience with this situation.

as long as there are differences in opinion of the truth,

there will ALWAYS be race descrimination.

*and that's all I have to say about that!

Ash, myself and her mom are still here in west covina at the home of the mexi-godfather.

we will be having a bbq lunch before long, and then start back to agoura hills afterwards.

not really much on the agenda for the rest of the day;

I'm sure something will come up though.

last nights ucla/usc game was more fun in the parking area having the tail-gater and swapping innocent

'barbs' with other fans.

the game itself was non-magical,

lacked any sort of excitement and just barely entertaining.

and I say this 'with' the bruins winning.

this ucla basketball season is dead.

I will keep supporting the team though.

another tid-bit of info;

my daughter and I will be flying to san fran saturday night to attend the sf49ers game sunday afternoon.

my cousin will be using the other two tix.

(even tho he told me I could have 'all 4' if the 9ers hosted the nfc championship. ya his 'word' is shit...)

so, the both of us are pretty excited about that.

ok then, I'm going to finish getting cleaned-up, and 'officially' start my day. talk soon...


good evening everyone.

just thought I would do a quickie up-date

while I'm cooking dinner.

(steak bake, brown rice, fresh beans)

so the afternoon at the palacios casa was as always;

very relaxing and entertaining.

we got home at about 3:30p,

before any kind of traffic began to materialize.

yes I realize it's a national holiday,

but in the LA area...

traffic happens all*the*time!!! after getting back to the house, and having a 'slight' disagreement with Ash' mother,

I took my kidz to the dog park for a couple hours.

on the way home I picked up some groceries for dinner

(apparently 'mother' doesn't cook like 'grandmother')

and as I type this my daughter is putting together

an awesome salad, she is such a great kid.

only 20 more days until her 16th b-day,

I'm not sure who's more excited; her or me.

ok then, so listen; I've received so many requests to post my previous entries of 'my thoughts' from you guys.

so in the next couple of days, I will post a page or two at a time 'in order' starting from my first entry; 14 April 2010.

now as some of you may remember;

I didn't start out by baring my genitals for all to critique,

but I will let you read these pages as I wrote them back on the dates given.

I would post them all at once,

but it takes forever for 'vista print' to publish;

sometimes up to an hour with extended pages attached.

they tell me they're getting better, I don't see it.

ok, Ash just gave me my salad, so I guess I'm done for now. talk soon.


good evening all.

ya, it's been awhile since I've been up this late and updated.

I just have a ton of shit processing thru my

wee-little brain right now.

these are the times I miss not really having anyone to

talk with about things.

and I know some of you have graciously offered me your

'ear to bend' if I ever feel the need to 'vent',

but seeing how I don't know almost all of you,

it would just seem to me a little wierd of me to call you in the middle of the night and say;

"hi, I'm greg kiss, can I talk with you for a minute"?

actually, who am I kidding;

that sounds exactly like something I probably would do.

anyway. I'm currently sitting in the pool area,

just finished a little late night swim.

and now I'm thinking of having a peanut butter/blackberry sandwich with a big glass of 2%. doesn't that sound good? you know as you journey thru this adventure we call life, sometimes you can control what happens around you,

and other times you can't.

and sometimes when one is faced with a situation that he/she knows is unwinable, you try and choose the 'outcome' that presents itself with causing the less harm to yourself and the others that will be affected.

either way, your the fucked villian in this scenario.

it's been a long time since I have had this

gutt wrenching feeling, almost 6yrs to the day.

(thanks in part to my ex-wife)

I totally hate making a decision that affects peoples lives,

love and their surroundings.

especially when you care for this person, but not exactly

the way 'she' feels for you.

sometimes being a responsible adult really sucks ass!

I'm so sorry that I appear to be a 'rambling-man' tonight,

but it is making me feel a little better by just typing these random thoughts on this page.

I really would like to share my 'current' predicament,

but this is extremely personal and not only affects me but

my daughter as well.

ah my daughter. the little girl who has changed me dramatically this past year.

have some of you even thought about how you would feel if one day 'out of the blue' you get notified that you have had a living, breathing human that you help create 16yrs earlier walking around in a foriegn country?

*yes I know for you women that is stupid question

(and most of my readers are female),

but still... think about it.

and now the person you help create another life with tells

you 'she loves you' and wants to spend the

rest of her life with you.

ya, I be fucked no matter what I do.

ok then. I'm starting to get very tired as

it is nearing midnite. so thanks for reading this garbage entry of my heart chords being laid out for all to step on.

please do me a solid; and not send any emails replying to this situation. I'd just rather not discuss it further.

ok. I'm done, good nite.

to be continued on my thoughts 1.2...

my thoughts.