my thoughts 7.19.12...
*I have been writing/rewriting this entry
during the past month or so,
just never finished/published...
(adding, deleting, starting over, etc)
19 July 2012/5am
good 'early' morning everyone from Agoura Hills, Ca...
(it's currently 3am as I 'try' to arrange this mess)
let me begin by saying that I appreciate
the numerous emails, texts, tweets, dm's, vm's
and such inquiring about my 'status'.
even though I had planned on taking a break from
this site for a while,
I had no idea that something could happen which would prevent me from wanting to share my
actions/thoughts & where-abouts for all to read.
for those of you who have known me
for any amount of time
(family, friends, enemies, ex-thrash/dash partners)
know that I am an extremely private person;
so if something happens to/with me or in my social group,
I normally will shut down immediately and just keep to myself and deal with the 'life moments' myself.
hence the current situation I have been dealing with;
on Monday, 14 May 2012 (the day after Mother's Day)
at approx 1am,
grandma jo went into full cardiac arrest
and died in her sleep.
it's been just over 9wks since she has passed;
and as I'm trying to collect my thoughts to share with you all of the 'goings-on' that I (we) have been thru,
tears are once again falling.
this was the first time that my daughter has experienced a loss of someone she cared for so deeply.
as I'm sure you remember,
her grandmother basically raised her from a baby.
needless to say, Ash was a mess.
as was I.
but with emotions running amok that morning;
I had to compose myself as the 'strong one',
and take charge immediately.
grandpa jack was in shock,
Ashley and Ash were both hysterical,
and even the dogs were excitable and fighting
I have experienced the loss of 'loved-ones' in my life,
but never been 'present' at the exact moment.
and to be perfectly honest with you; it FUCKING sucks!!! even though I can remember doing certain things,
ie: calling 911,
making the determination that she was 'beyond' life saving resuscitation (she was already ashen colored),
calling the godfather,
trying to keep everyone calm and consoling them
at the same time, and dealing with the dogz,
among other things. it seems like it didn't really happen.
and then when the LA sheriff's dept (2 patrol cars),
and LA county fire showed,
everything just gets fuzzy and blends together.
I have no idea why I called grandpa palacios,
but I'm so glad I did.
they were here almost immediately
(an hour or so in real time), but once they 'all' got here
(I still have no idea how many of them were here), everything seemed to calm down.
I do remember being a little 'short' with one of the patrol-men; but needless to say, he was an idiot and appeared not to be capable of being compassionate what-so-ever.
and when he 'gruffly' told my daughter to sit back down on the couch as he was still conducting his 'little' investigation... I fucking lost it!!!
as I vaguely remember the 'exact' words that came
out of my mouth;
''fucking badge wearing cocksucking piece of shit"
comes to mind. I guess I'm lucky that the other 'badge-wearer' was abit more calm and took his counterpart into another room before 'the asshole' and I came to blows.
(I was extremely close to making a bad decision)
we both ended up appologizing to one another after we both came to our senses.
and yes he did tell Ash he was sorry for 'how' he told her to sit back down, but explaned he was just doing his job.
I still say 'Fuck him in the ass w/a baseball bat'!!!
ok, ok maybe I don't really mean that,
but it still pisses me off that my little girl was an emotional wreck and didn't want to hear the 'story-line' and he 'barked' at her as he did.
I'm not sure who was more surprised at my immediate reaction by cursing at his lack of professional bearing,
him or me.
not sure if he'll ever respond to a call to
this address again.
alright, I'm not trying to drag this entire situation out,
but it has been very emotional for my daughter
since her 'granny' passed.
and traveling to australia for the funeral was horrible.
her and I were only there long enough for the services,
and to get some of grandma jo's belongings.
and then she wanted to come back home as
soon as possible.
(less than 72hrs down-under)
grandpa jack is still there, figuring out what he wants to do, and I haven't heard from Ash' mom in over 5 weeks.
who knows where she is.
Ash has always been extremely 'close' with me since we've been together, but she hardly lets me out of her sight now. trying to continue my relations with 'lg' has been almost impossible these last two months,
but we have been 'doing it' the best we can.
actually, her and her children have been wonderful
this entire time. traveling with us to vegas for july 4th, having both of us to dinner,
or coming here on the weekends...
'lg' has been very supportive throughout,
and my feelings have grown for her tremendously.
and Ash has fallen in love w/this woman also.
of course the mexi-godfather and his crew have been nothing short of miraculous.
keeping everything going around here,
and just being 'there for my daughter and I'.
Jessica was in Vegas when grandma jo passed,
but was here that afternoon to give her support.
she also was a 'life-saver',
keeping my business interests intact.
it's an amazing thing;
when something happens in your life that you really need friends,
you absolutely find out who your true-friends are.
and I love every single one of them.
even my neighbors here along my street came by all the time to offer their assistance/support.
(mostly bringing food and such)
I don't think I will be able to eat another slice of pie,
or a piece of meatloaf for a long, long time.
ok then, lets change the 'mood' of this entry;
this summer has actually been busy and enjoyable
(at times) for myself and everyone around me:
even though Ash missed most of the last few weeks of school; all her teachers allowed her to turn in missed assignments and take her finals as scheduled.
and she finished her soph-year in the top 5% of her class grade wise, and the very top social wise.
currently she 'appears' to 'not' have a 'steady-beau',
but sometimes I think otherwise.
the amount of text messages this girl sends/receives each month is phenominal.
she of course still has her 'bad days',
but we both have kept very busy together allowing her mind not to be idle.
night-time is usually the worse time.
I'm not sure if this is 'politically correct' for me to say;
but my daughter and I have gotten even closer
since 'our' loss.
there have been many sleepless nights,
alot of crying together,
and an exchange of quite a few crazy stories.
everytime she struggles with her emotions,
my heart breaks.
grandpa jack is currently back in australia,
and has been since mid-May.
he and I talk 'almost' every day and I can tell he is trying to move forward with his life.
when you spend over 50yrs with someone every single day, and then they aren't there any longer, it's tough.
he is not planning on coming back to the states until Ash & I do, which will be towards end of august.
I'm thinking he will be living here with us,
as we've discussed this and we both agree he and I need each other AND he would like to be in his grand-daughters life as much as possible.
as far as Ashley (Ash' mother) goes; no-one exactly knows where she currently is.
her last know location was in the san diego area a
few weeks ago.
(according to her atm transactions, and cell phone records) I've tried calling her a few times, leaving her messages,
but she hasn't called me back.
#Ashley if your reading this could you please
call your daughter.
and your 'always' ALWAYS welcomed here.
the palacios fam is doing just fine.
not a day has gone by these past two months that at least one family member isn't here helping out, or looking for something to do.
the godfather/godmother are the cream of the crop.
in fact; as Ash and myself will be leaving this evening for 5wks in australia, this place will be palacios family central as they have informed me of a few tasks/jobs they want to complete around here.
Jessica will also be here the entire time we're gone. so be it.
ah, Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.
without this woman,
what's left of my professional/business life would be
totally extinct by now.
she has been a wonderful friend for many, many years and thank goodness she still is.
her life has also been thru abit of a strain lately;
her now completed divorce, (that's a story for another time), her troubles with the housing market,
and of course putting up with me for these
past few months.
my relationship with 'lg' is way past the 'honeymoon stage', and doing very, very well.
she also has been a source of inspiration during the last couple months.
I have never been a fan of professional litigators,
but she is quickly changing my opinion.
and as far as her 3 children go;
what can I say... they love me.
in fact, we had a little bit of 'a situation' in the begining when her eldest son had a little bit of a crush on Ash.
but it's all good now. (hopefully)
all of us were in Las Vegas for the 4th of July,
it was a fantastic time.
I really do believe there is a future with this woman.
I guess time will tell.
now as far as I go; after the formalities of the above situation was properly handled and we got back
from 'down under', I have been immersing myself with keeping the property functioning.
with daily chores, tending to the animals/petz, shopping, cooking, being there for Ash, dating 'lg';
which leaves me hardly anytime for much else.
not that my life has been 'all work' and 'no play';
Ash and I have traveled a little this summer.
besides going to vegas for a few weeks,
we've taken alot of drives together around here.
going north to santa barbara, a day long drive south on the pacific coast highway and having lunch at laguna beach. spending some time in west covina w/the palacios',
visiting my old marine corps bases
(el toro & tustin/now closed),
and of course going out for a few dinners & movies. my daughter is the best date.
I'm sure she'll agree. ha ha
( she's not quite ready to start dating 'her boys' again)
I actually am looking forward to girl-6 coming over during the weekends again.
this house is a little creepy with just the two of us here.
the four-legged creatures running around not withstanding. *we've had some 'strange occurances' here at the house for quite some time,
and now Ash believes 'grandma jo' is contributing to the 'mysterious noise factors' we have been experencing.
who knows what the hell is going on.
the only time I get 'freaked-out' is when 'all of us'
(me, Ash, the dogs & cats) are all downstairs together and we ALL here the sounds upstairs. ie: footsteps, doors closing, and sometimes even muffled voices.
SERIOUSLY... no shit!!!
and when the shepherds start growling and then run up the rear stairwell, it gets the rest of the
furry creatures all wild.
**I won't even mention my bathroom light coming on in the middle of the night, and then turning-off 'by-itself'...
as long as 'everybody' keeps to themselves, we all can cohabitate together. hopefully.
ok then. as I slightly mentioned above, Ash and I are heading back to Auzzie-Land in about 17hrs or so to continue her volunteer work with a Aborigine foundation she's been involved with for a few years now.
I'm still rather 'unclear' as to what exactly we will be doing; but I've been told it has to do with shelters, schooling, and other necessities that aren't really my strong points.
oh well, it's a 'cause' that she believes in, and who am I to say otherwise.
so for approx 5weeks the both of us will be living/working in the northern territory of the Australian outback.
no electricity, no phones, no nothing.
I have a booklet on what to bring, what NOT to bring,
local customs, and what to expect.
I guess I should finialy read it from cover to cover.
I don't want to get my ass kicked by a koala bear.
(I've been told they're mean little basturds)
so while we are gone, the mexi-godfather will be staying here full-time, along with Jessica.
I'm sure grandpa palacios will be keeping himself busy with chores, and new projects around here.
and Jess will be periodically 'tweeting' updates for/about me, and we've even chatted about her doing some
entries on this site.
we'll see what happens.
now that I'm again sharing my activities/thoughts on this outlet, it makes me relize how much I've missed this.
maybe a slight break is what I needed to once again feel the desire to express myself for all to read.
I have periodically 'checked-in' on a few of your 'blogs, websites and such 'these past few weeks',
and you all seem to be doing just fine.
there are a few in particular that I have more than a
'minor interest in', and they normally bring a 'wicked smile' to my face.
ah, to be young, beautiful and so energetic again. alrighty then, I think I've pieced together this entry as best as I can right now.
I've been up a few hours and I need to get my dailes going, and all of a sudden I'm crazy-hungry.
hmmm; beer and pizza sounds awesome!!!
is 4:54am too early for such a hit to my diet???
it's a funny thing the stuff you do as an adult.
I'll be back...
*I know this entry is basically just blah-blah-blah,
but I really wanted to attempt an update
before leaving tonight.
oh, and please forgive my spelling and sentence structure.
(I'm talking to 'one' of you in particular. lol)
just wanted to say 'thank-you' to those of you who have sent your 'prayers' and 'thoughts' to myself, Ash, grandpa jack. you guys are so amazing.
alrighty, I am all packed and looking forward to this little journey my daughter is taking me on.
will try and let you guys know how 'we' both are doing every now and then. bye for now...