LAST UPDATED: 02 Aug 2016

a continuation of memorable quotes from:

television shows/movies/specials/award shows...

(or whatever.)

...g.a.kiss

Reese Witherspoon/Elizabeth:

"My God, maybe I was a slut.

A lonely, home-wrecking slut"

"I mean seriously, so what if I was a slut.

There's nothing wrong with having a normal sexual appetite."

"I may have been a lonely home-wrecking whore, but I saved lives!"

Donal Logue/Jack Hourisky:

"God made alcohol as a social lubricant.

To make men brave, and to make women loose."

 Corey Haim/Marty Coslaw:

"Jane's walking around in all these new clothes showing-off her tits,

acting like no-one had tits before her."

"The guy gets wolfier."

Megan Follows/Jane Coslaw:

"Oh, I hate you, you booger!"

"In the make believe stories a man becomes a werewolf only when the moon is full.

Maybe somehow it's different. Maybe he's like this all the time.

Only as the moon gets fuller..."

Gary Busey/Uncle Red:

"I feel like a virgin on prom night."

"I understand that my niece and nephew have been sending little love letters

to the local minister suggesting he gargle with broken glass,

or eat a rat-poison omelette!"

"Holy jumped-up baldheaded Jesus palomino!

From him I'd expect it.

Sometimes I think your common sense got paralyzed along with your legs.

But from you Jane? You're Miss Polly Practical."

"I'm a little too old to be playing

'Hardy Boys meet Reverend Werewolf'!"

R. Lee Emery/Gunnery Sergeant Hartman:

"I'm Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your Senior Drill Instructor.

From now on you will speak only when spoken to,

and the first word and the last word out of your filthy sewers will be Sir.

Do you maggots understand that?"

"Bull-Shit I can't hear you. Sound off like you have a pair"

"If you ladies leave my Island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon.

You will be a Minister of Death praying for war.

But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth.

You are not even human-fucking-beings.

You are nothing but unorganized grab-astic pieces of amphibian shit!

You will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn.

I am hard, but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here.

I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers.

Here you are all equally worthless.

And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve

in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?"

"Five-foot-nine?, I didn't know they stacked shit that high."

"Where you born a fat, slimy scumbag puke piece o' shit Private Pyle?,

or did you have to work on it?"

"Oh that's right Private Pyle,

don't make any fucking effort to get to the top of the fucking obstacle.

If God had wanted you up there,

he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn't he?" 

"I bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.

I'll be watching you."

"Holy dog shit, Texas?

Only steers and queers come from Texas Private Cowboy.

And you don't look much like a steer to me, so that kinda narrows it down.

Do you suck dick?"

"Are you shook up, are you nervous?

Do I make you nervous? Sir what?, were you going to call me an asshole?"

"Today is Christmas!

There will be a magic show at zero-nine-thirty.

Chaplain Charlie will tell you about how the free world will conquer Communism

with the aide of God and a few Marines.

God has a hard-on for Marines because we kill everything we see!

He plays His games, we play ours!

To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep Heaven packed with fresh souls! God was here before the Marine Corps!

So you can give your heart to Jesus,

but your ass belongs to the Corps! Do you ladies understand?"

"Today, you people are no longer maggots.

Today, you are Marines.

You're part of a brotherhood.

From now on til the day you die, wherever you are, every Marine is your brother.

Most of you will go to Vietnam, some of you will not come back.

But always remember this; Marines die, that's what we're here for.

But the Marine Corps lives forever, and that means you live forever!"

Kurt Russell/Michael Zane:

"Murph, just cause that kids packing heat doesn't make him my partner."

Kevin Costner/Murphy:

"Never-the-less I know the golden rule; fuck the gold."

"You ever been to Reno?, get your bubblegum."

Christian Slater/Hansen:

"Sometimes actually I think you believe you're the king himself.

What is with those sideburns?,

I glued mine on for the job. Yours is a lifestyle choice."

David Arquette/Gus:

"Elvis beats Sinatra's ass."

"Hey, what's the best thing about dating homeless girls?;

you can drop them off anywhere."

Bokeem Woodbine/Franklin:

"Thank-you, thank-you very much."

Howie Long/Jack:

"Pretty loose group you got there."

Courtney Cox/Cybil Waingrow:

"What's with this ma'am stuff?, am I looking that old already?

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness."

David Kaye/Jesse Waingrow:

"My mom's jealous of that waitress, she's got bigger boobs than my mom.

You like bigger boobs?"

Kevin Pollak/Damitry:

"Why do they call it a head-butt?,

I mean it's not like I knocked that prick out with my ass."

Thomas Haden Church/Quigley:

"I could not make this shit up if I tried."

Jon Lovitz/Jay Peterson:

"Give me five... five hundred thousand."

Rod Lake/Mack:

"Wherever he goes, trouble follows."

Christopher Curry/Captain Bosch:

"Are you kidding?

Your guy's got a camera, mine has a flamethrower."

Julia Stiles/Tracy:

"Let me rephrase that.

Johnny Crazy-Balls over here is going to save us all from seeing Armageddon."

Gene Hackman/Coach Norman Dale:

"You know, most people would kill... to be treated like a God, just for a few moments."

"My practices aren't designed for your enjoyment."

Fern Persons/Opal Fleener:

"Sun don't shine on the same dog's ass everyday;

but mister, you ain't seen a ray of light since you got here." 

Lauren Holly/Gillian Grady:

"Everybody has regrets, after a while they start to stack up"

Gene Wilder/George Caldwell:

"I know what goes where, and why."

"You stupid ignorant son-of-a-bitch dumb bastard.

Jesus Christ, I've met some dumb bastards in my life

but you out-do them all."

Richard Pryer/Grover T. Muldoon:

"How come you white's have such tight asses man?"

"I always lose my memory when I fall in love."

Jill Clayburgh/Hilly Burns:

"I give great phone."

Scatman Crothers/Ralston:

"Damn Hippies"

Lucille Benson/Rita Babtree:

"They talk of the joy of sex,

but it doesn't last like the fun of flying."

Steve Martin/Robert K. Bowfinger:

"I'm 49 years old. Admittedly, I could get away with 44, 41, *maybe* 38.

But when you hit 50 they don't hire you anymore. It's like they can *smell* 50." 

"Did you know Tom Cruise had no idea he was in that vampire movie

till two years later?"

[of a prolonged kissing scene audition]

"Let's try it one more time, uh, Slater, this time *without* the erection." 

Eddie Murphy/Kit Ramsey:

"It's too cerebral! We're trying to make a movie here, not a film!" 

"White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact.

Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why?

Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped.

That's how you get the nomination.

A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination,

a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar.

That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar."

"The white man gets all the best catchphrases!"

Eddie Murphy/Jefferson 'Jiff' Ramsey: 

"Oh, gosh, I'm really hoping to get a career running errands.

That'd be a major boost for me."

Terence Stamp/Terry Stricter

"You cannot show it to the Laker Girls.

I know you want to show it to the Laker Girls but you can never show

it to the Laker Girls.

Keep Mr Weenie in the pants. Always in the pants."

Bradley Cooper/Rory Jansen

"How the hell did you end up where you are?,

how the hell did that happen?

I don't know, I look at my life, I look at your life, I look at his life,

I look at my fathers life.

I look at everybody's life,

and I don't have a goddamn clue how anybody winds up where they do.

I don't know. I don't know.

I DON'T KNOW!!!"

"So much time?

We're talking about my goddamn life!

It's not right! Nothings right!"

"I'm not who I thought I was.

Ok?

I'm not.

And I'm terrified I never will be."

Levon Helm/Narrator

"There was a demon that lived in the air.

They said whoever challenged him would die.

Their controls would freeze up,

their planes would buffet wildly, and they would disintegrate.

The demon lived at Mach 1 on the meter,

seven hundred and fifty miles an hour,

where the air could no longer move out of the way.

He lived behind a barrier through which they said no man could ever pass.

They called it the sound barrier."

Jane Dornacker/Nurse Murch

"The best results seem to be obtained through fantasitation,

accompanied by masturbation,

followed by ejaculation."

Reese Witherspoon/Cheryl Strayed

[voice-over]

"What if I forgave myself?

*I thought*

What if I forgave myself even though I'd done something I shouldn't have?

What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I'd done

other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do?

What if I was sorry,

but if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything differently than I had done?

What if I'd actually wanted to fuck every one of those men?

What if heroin taught me something?

What if yes was the right answer instead of no?

What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn't

have done was what also had got me here?

What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?"

Simon Pegg/Benji Dunn

"Join the IMF and see the world. On a screen. From a closet." 

Tom Cruise/Ethan Hunt

"Desperate times, desperate measures." 

Bruce Campbell/Ash

"Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up!

You see this? This... is my boomstick!

The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line.

You can find this in the sporting goods department.

That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five.

It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger.

That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?"

"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun." 

"Gimme some sugar, baby."

"Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all." 

"First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow."

"Well hello Mister Fancypants.

Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things, right now:

Jack and shit... and Jack left town."

"Alright. Who wants some?"

Mark Walburg/Cade Yeager

"Sweetie, hand me my alien gun."

"I think we just found a Transformer."

"I'm about one second away from knocking you out, taking the bomb

and just leaving you here." 

"We got a rule about messing with people from Texas."

Stanley Tucci/Joshua Joyce

"How do you say "Get the fuck out of the way" in Chinese?" 

"I may have started the apocalypse, but you brought your family.

And that's, you know, terrible parenting."

"Threatening a professional CIA killer. Possibly not my finest hour.

I'd like to have that one back."

Nicola Peltz/Tessa Yeager

"Dad! There's a missile in the family room!"

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*page-layout only...

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